如何进行艰难的对话

部门主管给约翰的电话留言:“对不起，约翰, 但是你下学期要教我们新的顶点课程.  I know it’s a new course and you had another course you wanted to teach but look at it as a career enhancing opportunity.  我知道我可以依靠你.”

这个人说:“玛丽这个季度的业绩评估又下降了.  我得告诉她，她有被解雇的危险.  我讨厌当主管的这部分.”

“I really deserve getting more recognition for my contributions in this grant project.  I need to talk to the other researchers about being listed last in the authorship.”

“我们需要和邻居谈谈.  我受够了他借我们的园艺工具还不还.”

是什么让谈话变得困难?

以上的对话都是虚构的, 但它们涉及不同类型的未决困难对话. 那么，是什么让一些对话比其他对话更困难呢?  One thing they have in common is a sense of negativity and emotional distress. 恐惧, 担心失望或被拒绝, 感觉受到伤害, 不好意思, or afraid of not controlling your anger are at the heart of many of these conversation. They also project an unknown outcome which creates a sense of feeling not in control of what will happen. Digging a little deeper and we find that difficult conversations conjure up underlying identity questions. 这场冲突说明了我的什么? 我足够好或值得? 别人怎么看我?

Compounding any conflict is the risk that the same situation will be seen differently by the people involved.  They will likely have different interpretations, perspectives, and motivations.  Take the example above about talking with the neighbor who borrows tools without returning them.  The neighbor’s perception is that he has permission to use the garden tools until the end of the week when his garden is planted and then intends to return them.  On the other hand, the homeowner expected to loan the tools to the neighbor only overnight.  Many difficult conversations begin with an unstated expectation that will derail the situation later.  Those expectations and interpretations form our perceptions of an event and that becomes reality.  问题是我们通过有限的视觉来形成感知.  Consider describing a living room in a house by looking at it through an outside window.  你看到一把椅子，一张咖啡桌，上面放着一本书，旁边有一盏灯.  You naturally form a perception that the person living in this house likes to read and could be intelligent.  然而, 另一个人透过另一扇窗户看到了一张沙发, 大屏幕电视机, 爆米花掉在地上.  That person forms the perception of the homeowner being a lazy couch potato and a slob.  当然, 这两种观点可能都不正确, 但它们与我们期望相信的相符.  这会导致错误的假设和错误的意图.

Recognizing the pitfalls of difficult conversations sets the stage for surviving them.  以下是让这些讨论更易于管理的步骤.  

谈话前

认识到你的假设. 

Before starting a difficult conversation treat assumptions as questions and intentions as guesswork.  当面对潜在的困难时, what assumptions are you making about the other person and the issue at hand?  这些假设是基于事实还是推论?  Could there be other facts you are not aware of that may discredit these assumptions?  另一个人的意图也是如此.  We can only guess at their intentions based on what how they act and what we see.  但他们的行为可能受到我们看不到的因素的推动. 

给你的情绪贴上标签. 

What specific fears creep up when you think about having that dreaded conversation with your department head, 前配偶, 或者不守规矩的邻居?  Naming these fears and other emotions can take some of the sting out of them by making them transparent and not lurking underneath our thoughts.  通过列举对话的好处来克服这些恐惧.  Conversely, what would be the potential costs of not having this conversation?

确定你的目标以及如何表达它.

你想达到的核心结果是什么?  你怎样才能清楚而简洁地说出来呢?  而不是起草一份可能被曲解的演讲稿, 记下与你要说的内容相关的关键词.  确定核心问题或中心问题.  你希望的结果是什么?  因为对方有自己的议程, 在会议之前寻找可能的替代方案或修改后的解决方案. 

设身处地为他们想想.

对方的议程可能是什么?  他们有什么需要满足的?  基于他们所面临的挑战，他们会如何回应你的要求?  你能满足他们的需求吗? 

安排会议

要求对方开会.  在安排会议时，包括要讨论的主题.  如果保护的性质让你感到困扰, 这对另一方来说可能也很困难.  给他们准备的机会, 可以提前收集必要的信息, 从而节省时间.  Blindsiding the other party is a good way to sabotage the meeting from the beginning. 

练习压力管理.

Take care of yourself well before the meeting by eating healthy and getting adequate sleep.  学习适合你的放松和压力管理技巧.  A quick universal technique is tactical breathing used by military personnel before they enter a dangerous mission. 这项技术只需要几分钟.  缓慢地吸气5秒钟, 保持5秒钟, 然后再慢慢释放5秒.  重复3到4次.  在参加会议之前，练习一下这个技巧.  为了更好更持久的效果, practice tactical breathing 2 or 3 times a day as a regular stress management tool. 

引导谈话

从你对这个问题的看法开始.

Thank the person for meeting with you to set the stage for a respectful encounter.  然后分享你的观点和你的结论来自哪里.  要直接、恭敬、简洁.  坚持你所知道的事实.  如果你需要发表意见的话, state that this is your opinion based on the information (or assumptions) you have.  Interpersonal relationships are at stake in almost all difficult conversations, 所以有时候承认潜在的情绪可能是有益的.  表达你的观点和情感的一个好方法是说，

 “当你_______，我觉得___________.或者，“当____出现时，我有一种____的感觉。.”

与这样的语句形成对比, “你总是_________,或“你从不__________。,或者“你为什么不能____ ?,，这感觉像是一种攻击，并停止了对话.  The “I feel” message is less threatening and opens the door to further dialogue.  它还允许纠正误解或错误的看法. 

问问他们是怎么看的.

为了减少误解，询问他们对事情的不同看法.  这种情况对他们来说重要的是什么?  If they seem confused or annoyed, ask if you have done something to upset them or mislead them.  允许他们反驳你对形势的看法.  同样，无论你是否同意，都要尊重他们的观点.  It belongs to them and shows how they see the issue, which is good for you to know.  如果他们表达了自己的感受，就承认他们.  你可能会对他们的行为感到惊讶. 

最后, show them that you were listening by briefly summarizing what you heard them say.  如果他们纠正了你的总结，那很好. It clarifies their point of view or corrects an assumption you may have had. Occasionally paraphrasing what you heard leads to better understanding and rapport building.  The other party wants to be heard just as much as you want them to listen to you. 

扩大对话范围

提供你的提案.

After listening to the other party’s viewpoints, provide your position on how to resolve this issue.  It may be the same as you initially made prior to the meeting or may be modified after learning their perceptions.  如果有其他选择，准备好谈判. 

解决问题.

如果问题没有解决，问一下我们如何从这里开始. 承认他们的立场，或者接受他们对如何进行的不确定. 提供备选方案并寻求备选方案. 问问自己，在你的提案中是否考虑到了他们的需求.  探索如何将他们的需求和兴趣融入你的提案中.  When your viewpoint and their viewpoint are combined, a big picture emerges.  谈判时要考虑大局.  当你不知道该说什么的时候, 总结你刚刚听到的内容，然后询问他们的意见.  Listen intently and follow up with open ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. 

结束对话

审查.

总结一下决定了什么，以及将来会发生什么. 谁来解决这个问题?  If the issue is still unresolved, look at the progress that was made and can be implemented. Decide if another meeting is appropriate or what other avenues you can take. 不管结果如何，感谢他们与你交谈.  离开会议后，回顾一下你从这次经历中学到了什么.  在类似的情况下，你会做什么相同或不同的事情?  现在一切都结束了，深呼吸，放松.  最后, congratulate yourself on going out of your comfort zone and confronting a difficult conversation.


参考文献:

困难的对话 (1999)道格拉斯·斯通，布鲁斯·巴顿， & 希拉物流战略

如何处理工作中的困难对话(2015年1月). 《十大电子游艺网站排行》丽贝卡·奈特

How to have difficult conversations when you don’t like conflict (May 2017). 《十大电子游艺网站排行》，作者:Joel Garfinkle